Round 1

“Look into any eyes,
You’ll find by it you can see clear to another day-
Maybe been seen before, through other eyes,
On other days,
While going home…”

-Robert Hunter and Jerry Garcia (RIP), Box of Rain, as
performed by the Grateful Dead. American Beauty c. 1970
Warner Bros. Records.

Every entity in the Universe imagines its name is “me.” Each inhabits a cosmos populated by its own kind, and lesser beings. I’ve been running around like a maniac, tapping myself on the shoulder, demanding explanations.

All I can say is, I guess my bullshit filter must have been a bit off- center. A rather unfortunate oversight when navigating the meandering labyrinths of hidden knowledge and the myriad pretenders who hawk it in the unregulated marketplace of the psychedelic underground. I must have been stoned out of my gourd on ego.

Otherwise I’d have seen how pointless it was. How unnatural.

How…blasphemous. The hubris.

The sheer asshole self-seriousness of it all.

Time. I crane my head to check the time in the burning, cloudless sky, as phalanxes of aerocars zip noiselessly past overhead. Rush hour. Nine o’clock, I guess, or ten at the latest. Soon my stolen sweatshirt will be drenched with the panicked product of my undeoderized arms, and I will be reduced to my bright orange, crudely stenciled hospital scrubs.

Dumpster dive for lighter gear. Yummy.

Already the whiff of frantic frenzy reaches my wrinkling nose, merging with the stink of speed and seed in the part of town I was always forbidden to enter. Four hours, now, or five, since I liberated myself from the Tower of Psychobabble. The net will have been cast by now. There’s no way my absence could still be unnoticed; I have to get off the street.

Running out of time, again. The story of my lives.

The pockmarked alley is crowded with the ragged, semi-permanent residents of makeshift dumpster-and-cardboard domiciles, collecting cans, gnawing garbage. The majority seem to be well into the day’s pickling.

They pay me no mind, and I return the favor, allowing them to unobtrusively decay in peace.

SMACK! I am knocked on my ass by an angry-looking, smudged urchin poking her dreadlocked, elven face and braceleted wrist out from under her trash-bag tarpaulin. I prepare for battle.

She coughs, struggling to hide the streaming whitish smoke trailing from her nose as she assesses the intruder, but shrugs and returns to her abode as she determines that the commotion of my passage is not the buzz- kill patrol coming to interfere with her manner of respiration. I duck behind a vacant telephone pole, squatting and panting, gathering breath and nerve before venturing onto the Row.

I scan the assorted piles of junk for some lighter attire, but nothing offers, though I spot a paperback discarded near a dumpster, and toy with the notion of salvaging it. I could stand to lose myself in a book, even a very bad one, right about now. But I haven’t got any pockets to carry it, or leisure to indulge, so I abandon the distraction. Probably some crappy fiction for juveniles, anyway.

They’ll be after me. Eloped psychiatric patients are pursued by modern, private police armed with not only current photos, updated weekly, but finger, toe and retinal prints as well. Because Fairfield Hospital was held to be responsible for our welfare, they employed a band of mercenaries, failed bailbondspeople and dishonorably discharged military personnel, to hunt down any of us chickens presumptuous enough to fly the coop before beheading.

Our “Welcome Orientation,” where the terms of my involuntary incarceration were explained, had covered this extensively; we ought not even to think about absconding, for our minds were mystically monitored.

Fantasies of freedom were considered a sign of disconnectedness from reality and entered accordingly in our charts. Everyone wants to leave the asylum, but it is mad to think it can be done.

Color me wacko. It’s not the first time.

~ )))0((( ~

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How hard will they look, though, really? Why did they go to all the trouble of scaring the bejeesus out of us with the hour-long sermon on the futility of escape, if we were really so hopelessly trapped? Starting to think it’s all just hype.

After all, I did walk out the front door without stirring the sleepy guard from his psychically induced tete-a-tete with Isis O’Rourke, and that was supposed to be impossible, too. Of course, I cheated. When the game is fixed, there’s no other choice.

I put myself in my potential pursuers’ pennyloafers and decide that Amanda must be a low priority. Actually apprehending runaway psychotic teenagers surely ranks below hanging out in strip clubs or designated dickhead police-themed bars while on the clock. Goddess willing, the constables on my case are staking out my friend’s houses or some other moron’s destination, playing crossword puzzles and munching cream-filled pastries while waiting for me to flee starvation, sexual predators and streetkid lice into their clutches by dark or so.

No doubt that was the fate of most of the girls who fled unfair confinement and realized, alone and adrift, that the odds were not good for getting through a day on the streets without being hit with a big dose of something ugly. If you were lucky, it would only be some debilitating drugs and semi-consensual sex. If not-well, the streets eat stupid girls the way mantises eat wasps. Everyone knows that.

I mumble the mantra: move fast, blend well, and carry a broken bottle. There is a species of street predator adapted specifically to consume my kind, hungering for tender nubile meat. I was safer from bodily rape, at least, at Fairfield; there the monsters were clearly identified by their staff ID clipped to every lab coat or casual flannel, the sex blanched out of their eyes from addiction to a much greater thrill.

Those demons wanted only to rape my soul.

Which is why the watchman was watching winsome women. The real security guard is the lonely fear of dependence. The hospital, after all, is a nice enough retreat for Sylvia Plath wanna-bes and the wounded victims of tampon tragedies, if your agenda is confined to biding those agonizing years between puberty and majority with as little parent as possible.

Preferable, for nearly every inmate, to the madhouses we claimed for permanent mailing addresses, not that we were consulted about our wishes. But I have business to take care of, an upside-down life to set right, and the unsafest thing I could think of was one more night in the dungeon with the Suicide Clique.

They were starting to get to me. I’d been thinking of joining, especially after she told me…

Enough of that. Time’s a-wasting. If I get caught before reaching the Order of the Wheel, I may as well have stayed in the unfunny farm.

Finding it should be no trouble at all; I remember the golden Post-It on which the address had been scrawled over fifteen years ago, as if I still have it in my suit’s lapel, though both the note and the fine tailory I wore that day must be dispersed dust by now. Certainly the fleshbag I had on that day has long since been integrated into the digestive systems of various nematodes and fungal agents of simplification, though I am more curious about the whereabouts of the suit than the body, since I had no say in the design of the latter.

I’m losing the referent. I, who? The security of a world view where the first person pronoun has a static, singular meaning drifts away like the diminishing shadow of the last scrap of flotsam from a storm-shattered hundred-thousand dollar yacht. Perceptions quake and flutter from the struggle to define the world through the competing filters of rival “I’s”.

This is why they locked you up, girl, getting confused, and you know that it’s going to do no good to let him take over.

~ )))0((( ~

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Like an unwelcome long-lost lover who presumptuously returns and resumes residence without the tiniest accounting of possible changes in the interim, my alter ego has been pulling harder on the reins. Eager to pick up where he left off, diving into bed without noticing the new aftershave in the medicine cabinet or neckties in the closet. Ignoring the comprehensive remodeling the place has undergone in the past decade and a half, and the half-mad protests of the mistress: I have my own life, there’s no place for you here anymore…

Maybe, just maybe, there’s a good reason for the interstitial amnesia?

Ever stop to consider that? That it might drive me mad to have a whole other avatar hung around my neck, hitchhiking, freeloading on a life which is rightfully mine?

I’m not gonna run around my whole life craving Armani and Porsche and other expensive foreign words, just so some flaky, gaudy hack can get another crack at the Game of Life. I’ve already metamorphed beyond recognition. Just like decadent thirty-year old playboy novelist Victor couldn’t have stood to be faced with cocky, idealistic Victor at fifteen, the whole Victor persona is a stranger to Amanda. Did you think the self-alienation would be mitigated across the veil of death? That’s why we forget, dipshit. No one should have to bear two lifetimes of shame. Fuck you, Victor! You’ve never meant anything but pain.

I’m just you, one spoke to the left on the Wheel, the ghost of your mistakes trying to get it right this time. I’m on your side, yo!

So why do I feel so manipulated when the voice in my head turns husky and uses big words I haven’t learned yet and tells me to gleefully accept our cohabitation, which is variously interpreted by myself and others as schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder, or a grisly form of demonic possession? “You may as well just lay back and enjoy it, girl.” Am I a dead man housed in the lithe, firm body of a teenager, or am I that teenager being invaded by the spirit of that man? And the answer comes back: Mu.

Your question is stupid. Both. Neither. Something in between.

You are confused because you think time is a line.

Because of your delusion that there is a you or I. Try a different lens.

Try and see things my way. If we see things your way, it seems that we might fall apart before too long.

Beatles quotes boom through the dimension in my mind, holovision sugue to an alien nostalgia, transporting me to the world to before I was born, buses and cars rumbling noisily and anachronistically down the unbroken artery, and the hallucination brings with it the passion of hopes now dashed, of fears now groundless. The ineluctable flavor of the scene imbues me. I can almost smell the diesel.

That’s too much. Imagine, internal-combustion, energy-hogging, lethal accident-prone rubber-tire continuous surface-only motor cars!

Driving down the road, not in some museum! Yet in a way, the portrait of the impossible is part of a more meaningful home than the deserted rubbish heaps I see superimposed on the same scene in the present tense.

I can taste that day in my belly. Treacherous chilidogs. How could you stand to eat that shit, Victor? And sit here in my mind and tell me we’re the same!

And the old man in my head laughs, and I laugh, and our mirth spans the temporal plane and in the feedback loop that builds, I look across the chasm and know that he and I are one. Jill, the hospital, the Order, Carmen, even Sarah-the bitterness dissolves in the complete merging, as the girl accepts me and I accept the man. A lifetime of memories and lessons to ponder…but then I remember there is no time.

Disoriented in four dimensions, I hum the Order’s prescribed mantra for those moments of inconvenient “crossover vertigo,” which, ironically, I am acquainted with only because I remember it from my prior life as a man; as with a vaccine, the disease contains the remedy:

Where am I? Here.
What time is it? Now.
Who am I? I am the Light made flesh.
What is my duty? To be here and now, in this flesh, and keep my fucking head on straight!

~ )))0((( ~

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The problem, according to Llewellyn Reece, is that the ego, the sense of identity, is only partially inherent in the soul. Mostly it is a mask, based on your true self, but modified by time and place and circumstances. So when the keywords activate the memories, sufficient disparity might exist between past and present personae that for some time they might compete with each other for dominance. It hadn’t been of much concern at the time, since, whether I cared to admit it or not, preservation of ego had been precisely my goal, and I had felt it large and sturdy enough to survive any transformation. It hadn’t occurred to me that the new me might resent this. Selfish, but almost the opposite, since the net result is a total disregard of one’s own future needs.

That must be, say, Objective Boulevard, the pile of rubble a block ahead of me where the jetskaters are risking their lives, or at least necks, with insane obstacle-evading maneuvers. That’s right, the Cafe Ennui is still falling eternally to pieces on the corner, 1110 Illustration-which means I need to go five blocks the opposite way.

Illustration Avenue-more popularly known as Religion Row, the Row, the “R.R.” (which also stands, cynically, for “Rejects’ Retreat”) and-by police-Area 1-A-is a four block strip of converted storefronts occupied exclusively by low-rent nonprofit concerns, primarily drug culture joke religions and crackpot political endeavors.

The proprietor of the region was, and surely still is, the infamous Harrison Ridley IV, maverick scion to the fortune attached to his name, and, prior to his father’s death, a closet hippie and social libber. When probate court had confirmed his owning the entire holdings of his land-grabbing father, he emerged from the gold-plated wardrobe garbed in tie-dye and ankhs and, repudiating everything his tycoon forebear had stood for, insisted on being addressed as Crazy Bear, though he was convinced by friends and his own good-natured paranoia not to commit himself to that name on legal documents.

No one could talk him out of his plans for Illustration Avenue, however. Dear old dad had bought up all the property along both sides of the decrepit drag at pennies on the dollar, dreaming of a business mecca in the heart of the ghetto, where cheap labor would be available. He bulldozed slums and raised storefronts and keeled over while getting head from a warty hooker behind the planned Ace Hardware.

Junior went one better in shaping his world; declaring that any association of people that was not explicitly non-profit was dedicated to capitalistic exploitation, he canceled negotiations with Crown Books and Taco Bell Express, and offered leases only to groups which fit his unique specifications-that they be entities firmly committed to financial insolvency-at ludicrously low rent. In some cases, it went beyond nominal, to the utterly surreal-one group was contractually obligated to supply their landlord with five organic zucchinis, to be grown in their on-site hydroponics lab, each month.

~ )))0((( ~

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Crazy Bear was loaded to the gills, in more ways than one, so it was wise as well as lucrative to humor the dope-crazed madman. It was also fun, if you had a sense of humor; I-Victor, that is-knew him from the crackpot circuit. We made a casual friendship over the years out of an intense acquaintance, getting along, I suspect, primarily because we were both out of our minds. He had guided me along my first, fitful explorations of that which cannot be explained, but can be perceived by the sensitive, and instructed me in the fundamentals of the Art.

The oddest thing about him was not his egregious slovenliness, in spite of immense means, or the radical revolutionary rant he spouted despite his hypersuperdeterminism. The man is a study in paradox. He prides himself on his admittedly amazing talent for simultaneously holding two or more contradictory opinions. He partcipates in annual competitions; the last year I followed his progress, he had narrowly lost the title to a Baptist preacher.

No, the most unnerving peculiarity of Crazy Bear was the way he’d keep a straight, solemn face while propounding the most bizarre theories as if they were gospel from L. Ron Hubbard himself. His eyes would fill with the fires of fanatacisim; his voice would carry the conviction of a mad prophet crawling back from the desert. Then he’d take another bong hit.

No skit comedian could match his efforts at inscrutability; he actually pretended to be offended when you laugh.

For example:

“The human species was evolved, in perfect accordance with the Design of Nature, primarily to mine oil and build nuclear weapons. Fossil fuels are a sort of toxic pus on the Earth’s face. How do you feel, after all, about deposits of oil near your surface? We’re here to pop the zits. Also, the carbon dioxide thereby released is a boon for the trees, who are the real masters of the planet.”

Or…

“Einstein was a prophet sent to share the secret of suns. This Solar system-mostly Jupiter, it’s all about Jupiter, where the crystal entities, you dig, silicon-based life, that’s where it’s at…anyway, we’re in it, too, planet-hopping, first it was Mars, then Venus, building bombs. That’s the Forwhy of people, dig, that’s the Howcome. Nuclear technology…those stupid greedy motherfuckers would stop right this very second if they could comprehend…the magnitude. The service they are doing for the cause of Life in the name of death. This planet, and everything in it, can you see it?

The solar system represents the embryonic stage in the life cycle of a star. Why do you think binary pairs of stars have one big one and one small one? Think reproduction. Stars, man, that’s where it’s at. This skin trip is all bullshit. Our real participation in the intellectual life of the universe will begin at the Starbirth….”

After a night of this, Dianetics makes relative sense.

Not that any respectable church like the Scientologists would be caught dead renting so much as a post-office box on the Row. Not with neighbors like the Pointy Hat Childbaking Coven. The Radical Gay Tantric Mosque. The Moron Tab Ôn Apple Choir. The Creed of the Crazy. The Unitarian Church. Heading east, I pass the Church of the SubGenius, with the Discordians quartered on the second floor.

A scraggly kid, evidently hopeful of spare change, mutters, “Hail Eris!” but I’m not in the mood to honor the Goddess of Chaos. Nothing personal; I’m quite fond of the ancient apple-thrower. I’ve simply had my fill of that energy for awhile. I ignore him and he does not seem surprised. Had he made his pitch in the name of Bob, patron of Slack, I still would have stiffed him, being penniless myself, but I’d have been friendlier.

Right now, I can use about all the slack I can get.

The next block is sort of a political district, featuring the massive, well-funded headquarters of the Social Libertarian Party, Crazy Bear’s write-in affiliation, a strange hybrid of classical socialism with modern libertarianism, advocating, for instance, nationalizing the public utilities, holding the infrastructure in trust, then administering them with democratically elected private companies, who will place bids on the ballot for the people to evaluate.

This political platypus hasn’t caught on nationally in spite of their slogans- “WE CAN’T TELL OUR RIGHT FROM OUR LEFT” and “WORKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE AGAINST TAXES”-but the local alderman from the ward that includes Religion Row is, and will be for some time, a social libber, running on the deep pockets of the Ridley estate, the heartfelt loyalty of the tenants to their landlord, and the general kookiness of the constituency.

~ )))0((( ~

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Occupying a rather more modest nook next door is the Society to Restore Natural Selection, which is a new one to me. Girlish curiosity overcoming my haste, I skim a handbill:

ALERT!
Homo Sapiens has evolved right out of Evolution!Whereas genetic engineering has produced virtually every variety of plant and animal we associate with and exploit, we practice a bizarre, reverse g.e. process on our own population, by nullifying congenital flaws.

In nature, asthmatics and myopics die before breeding, unable to outrun predators or find food. Now they are called nerds and become high-priced desk jockeys, breeding with genetically pure office help.

Saving the weak and sick is destroying our bloodline! And ensuring a future of weaklings!

The practice of corrective medicine MUST BE STOPPED!

We are promoting the proliferation of nearsightedness, diabetes, heart-valve defects, etc. by taking the sting out of the deficiencies, artificially compensating for nature’s screening process, allowing the afflicted to breed (with my wife!) and thereby ensuring that a future generation of humans will someday be born, all with a predisposition to lens distortion and pancreatic malfunction and so forth.

Eventually, every baby will be born and immediately whisked away to surgery to correct universal birth defects. It will be a nightmare world of modified cyborgs, needing constant care, from birth to death.

LET THE UNFIT DIE!

Fertility research must be immediately halted. It is an abomination, with a world census of over eight billion gluttonous bipeds.

LET THE STERILE ADOPT!

The only way to save our species is to line up all the doctors and pharmacists and biological researchers and greasy, four-eyed advertising reps, up against the wall.

Once we have them all there (the Great Wall of China will need to be used), we should calmly and rationally explain the scientific aims of our organization.

Then we must blind them and cut off their nuts.

Though some of this nihilistic rant strikes a guilty cord, I was a man too recently to have any sympathy for anyone advocating the systematic castration of any class, and I know from experience that the ill don’t care whose air they’re monopolizing, the unfit don’t care about passing on their lazy, irresponsible code. And while the numbers of toilet-flushing entities are dangerously out of control, I somehow suspect that this Nazi-like strategy of unilaterally pulling the plug to purify our species would be, if taken seriously, a greater menace than overpopulation itself.

Perhaps the best approach to the problem would be to promote these ideas widely, let the membership balloon, and execute everyone who joins as an agitator for genocide. I wonder why Crazy Bear tolerates them, and remember: he lets everybody have their say, so long as the bottom line is red. That surely explains the Rush Limbaugh Museum on the second floor.

One night while tripping on Orange Sunshine Acid with him, I had waxed hateful about the constabulary. “No, no,” Crazy Bear said, rising from his bean bag to retrieve a well-worn copy of Be Here Now, by “Baba Ram Dass,” who is one of the other guys that got fired from Harvard with Tim Leary. The two men were like John and Peter as far as he was concerned, and the hippie regarded strange book, with its fine ink illustrations and cryptic mantras filling its brown pages, something akin to Gospel.

“Here,” he said, finding his page and thrusting it at me. “Be Here.”

A naked man is pictured, enveloped in a swirl of Yin-Yang symbols. To one side is the accouterments of law enforcement: uniform, jackboots, gunbelt. On the other is a standard head outfit: frilly shirt, tight slacks, beads, leather. The text reads, ouroborically, “Cops create hippies create cops…”

“Never hate your enemy, for he is you. We all wander a hall of mirrors, disgusted at some twisted reflections, admiring of flattering ones, never realizing, the whole time, that there really is only One of us…”

Jesus, who according to Crazy Bear, was the premier hippie, exemplified this attitude. “The only ones you can help, the only lives you can really change, are people you are inclined to dislike. That’s why he went hanging out with fishermen, when he obviously preferred the company of hookers.” I reflect on this as I notice the United Sex Workers of America, local #69.

Then the NORML offices, with the predictable whiff of patchoulie and pot flowing from the gang of retro dreadheads camped out in front; I skirt quickly past something called the Sacred Heart Aztec Sacrifice Temple, whose doorway is ominously clear of any traffic, though the odor of roasting meat is thick from inside. Yuk. Meat is so gross.

Then it gets sort of weird on the Row.

~ )))0((( ~